Missing My Godchild

Seven years ago, our family was introduced to a new born baby girl named Jamie. We are not related to this baby. My father knew the baby's father in his recreational activity that involves roosters. :)

A Mystery that is Called Pregnancy

Photo: Pixabay

I consider pregnancy as a mystery. Some get pregnant in a heartbeat and at the other side of the coin, there are those who try for years and years but still don't get that two parallel lines in a pregnancy test. Despite millions of information, books and researches about how to get pregnant, despite the expensive fertility treatments, there are still couples who struggle with conceiving.

What Made My Heart Melt

Credit: Pixabay

Hubby just signed his employment contract with a new employer. His joining date is next week. Tentative. Hopefully, the date on the contract would be delayed so we could still have a few days to be together.

The Aftermath

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It's been two months since I had my D&C. Sometimes, I think about our would-be twin babies. I think about what I did wrong. Were we not that careful in our activities and actions? Should I have gone to a specialist instead of a regular OB GYN? Should I have undergone a complete bed rest during the pregnancy? Too many questions and wishful thinking.

Sometimes I still cry whenever I think about what happened to me and our babies. I tell myself that I should move on and think about what I can do to help my body and mind heal.

Waiting for an Open Window - The Last Part

Inay and I went to my OB and told her about my condition. Dra. did an internal examination of my pelvis and she said that it was a good thing my uterus wasn't open. 

She diagnosed "Threatened abortion." I was stunned! You don't want to hear the word "abortion" when you've waited so long to have a baby.

Waiting for an Open Window Part 2

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As a first-time pregnant couple who waited five years to conceive, we tried hard to keep the good news to ourselves. I asked my husband to postpone telling his family about it and make the announcement on Christmas. But, since he's so excited, he already told his family even before we visited an OB GYN. :)

On Christmas Eve, we gave my parents a small gift. Inside was a pair of little socks and a note. At first, Inay didn't get the information on the note which said to expect someone coming in mid-August, 2015. When it dawned on her that I was with child, she cried hard and thanked God for an answered prayer. We were all misty eyed during dinner.

Waiting for an Open Window Part 1

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In 2013, my husband and I stopped having fertility treatments. Not only was it expensive, it was emotionally exhausting. After taking several rounds of Clomid, follicle monitoring sessions, taking an HSG, two IUIs, a year of acupuncture, tons of Chinese herbal tea, we decided that it was enough for us now. Whew!

We put our plans on hold to have a baby. I resigned from a stable employment to stay at home and start doing freelance work. Most of our income was put into doctors' fees, laboratory fees, medicines, and transportation costs. We're thankful that God gave us the resources to pursue treatments which we thought would help us conceive.

100 Happy Days

I've signed up for the 100 Happy Days Challenge. For 100 days, I will post a photo of something or someone which/who made me happy that day. I can use any social media platform to post the photos. I chose Facebook since that is my personal social media page.

Why challenge myself to be happy?

Lately, I've realized that I've changed. I've become a person who was always sad, irritable, and negative to myself and other people. I've often snap at people, and my dialogues reflect a disgruntled woman. Even my photos look unhappy even if I'm smiling at the camera.

A few days ago, I consulted an EENT doctor to check my sore tongue. She's a relative so we've got to talking about our lives after my consultation. She asked me about my TTC journey and what medicine I took. I said, "Clomid." She beamed at me and said that women taking Clomid have a higher chance of having multiple babies. She asked if my OB told me that. My reply in a sarcastic tone: Yeah, but here I am, nothing happened. As I recall my conversation with her, I realized that my statements were said in a way where there's a slight hint of an angry tone. Years ago, I would have given a positive response to questions like that, like, "Yeah, I hope we will be successful this time," or "Yes, even one child and we'll be grateful." But, I've changed.

Hubby also noticed that I've become grumpy, even the littlest things will tick me off. When it comes to talks about infertility treatments, I've become distant and indifferent. I guess years of treatments took its toll on my positivity and hopefulness. In my mind, we've done all there is to done medically to help me conceive but nada. I've even done acupuncture, healthy living, novenas, etc. ZIlch. Kaput.

That's why I took the challenge. That's why I'm consciously looking for something to be happy about on a daily basis. I want to change my perspective and become a more cheery and hopeful person. I hope I'll have a more positive outlook in life after this challenge. 

2014 is a new year and I hope to be a better person this year.

#100happydays

The Author Turns 3_

Last August 2 was my birthday. When I tell people my age, I get compliments as they say I look younger than my actual age. Or, maybe they're just being too kind for the birthday girl.

I had a small "party" with neighborhood kids as my guests. I invited Inay's tutees for merienda that weekend. I always had a small celebration on my birthday but since my friends were too busy with their own families and unable to attend, I just invited my neighbors this year. Surely, children would be eager to come and enjoy good food.

I cooked Baked Mac, Filipino-style spaghetti and fried chicken lollipop. I also had ice cream and grilled hotdogs (which was a hit with the kids!). It was a rainy day that Saturday and I was happy the kids weren't discouraged by the weather.

After my guests left, my sister lighted a special cake she bought for me straight from the city. The cake was from a Korean-owned cake shop called Tous les Jours. Yes, it was quite ironic to learn that the French-named bakery was owned by a Korean.The cute strawberry cake tasted like strawberries, not cloyingly sweet and had a hint of tartness from the berries. The "leaf" part of the cake was made of green tea powder and tasted bitter by itself.

My birthday may be a rainy day but I just think that the raindrops were blessings from Heaven. And I guess you know what I wished for. 

Once a Year

Once a year, we remember our mothers and the women who may not have been our mothers, but who still loved and cared for us. I believe that a day is not enough to thank them and to show them our appreciation, don't you think?

To the light of our life and home, Happy Mothers' Day, Inay.

Long Lost Friends

In the 1970s, when my mother was in college, she, her sister and younger brother lived in an apartment in Manila with another set of siblings from Pangasinan. They lived like one family, sharing meals and stories. The two families had similar backgrounds, both came from the province, were from poor families and both had many siblings. Years passed and after graduating from college and starting new jobs in the city, they lost touch.

Forty-three years later, through Facebook, Inay was able to reconnect with her roommates from Pangasinan. Messages were exchanged, as well as mobile numbers, and they were able to meet again after decades without communication. Truly, a strong relationship and beautiful memories will never be forgotten. They were able to visit our home twice and they invited Inay to visit them in Pangasinan for their mother's 90th birthday.

Thinking about Mortality

Over the weekend, the remains of my father's aunt were laid to rest. She suffered a stroke, was hospitalized for four days, and the Lord called her a week after the stroke. She was 83. 

Her family is not wealthy, they barely have the basic necessities in life. During that tumultuous week, their relatives came to visit her and give assistance, may it be financial, food, or emotional support.

I can't help but think about a person's mortality, especially of my parents who are in their mid-60s. How does it feel to bring home a loved one because you can't pay the hospital bills? It must be very difficult and heart-wrenching to feel useless. When is it OK to pull the plug? What can I do to prepare for a relative's demise? What should I do for MY passing in the far future?

Sorry if I sound morbid but that's life. Death is inevitable. We may not know when our time will come but it's not an excuse not to prepare for it.

Updating my Records

The thing that I miss about being a regular employee of a company is not worrying about the monthly payments for SSS, Philhealth, and HMO.

Now that I'm organizing my schedule as a freelance writer, I also have to face the tasks of updating my public records and taking care of my HMO. I want my records to be as clean as possible, without those missed payments and whatnots. 

My main priority is paying off my salary loan in SSS in time to avoid penalty fees and getting health insurance. I've been confined in a hospital for a week last 2011 and my company's health card and Philhealth helped alot in the bills. So, I have to make sure that my Philhealth contributions are updated and I have an HMO to cover my bills should I (I pray not) get sick.

These things are easily ignored by some employees but it shouldn't be.

Commitments

I plan to make a list of commitments and I hope I can do them.

For February, I commit to the following:

1. Meditate for 11 minutes every morning. I want to destress after the infertility treatments I went through last year.
2. Be active -- may it be walking or aero/cardio exercises in the morning. I found a fitness program on cable. Free fitness for me. Wee!
3. Read a book at night. I waste my time watching TV after work and I plan to lessen the time I spend time on the TV.

Okay, just three commitments. Short and sweet. I don't want to list tons of commitments and not be able to do any of them.

What commitments do you have for yourself?

How am I now?

I left my job in the city last year to focus on getting pregnant and spending time with Hubby. After Hubby's lengthy 5-month vacation (in his line of work, the norm is 2-3 months vacay only), he already left for a new contract. I'm in the province, still not pregnant, and with no regular 8-5 day job. 

I'm happy.

I thank God that I have freelance work and I'm not stuck in an office on a day-to-day basis. I am captain of my time. I have time in the morning for exercise (I MUST lose the excess inches and pounds I gained from my sabbatical!). I work in the comfort of my parents' home. I don't pay rent.:)

Life is good. Life is full of possibilities.

Acceptance

Hubby and I finally accepted that this is not the time for us to get pregnant. After my HSG, three cycles of Clomiphene citrate (Ova-mit and Clomin brands), and two IUIs last year, we decided to wait for God's perfect time for us to conceive. We did everything we thought would help us conceive but waiting for the Lord's plan is more calming and stress-free for both of us. We just enjoyed the last month of my husband's vacation here.

Hubby left to work overseas last week. We had a heart-to- heart talk and said we would try again when he comes back after nine months. If I was able to get pregnant before he left, he would be welcoming a baby when he returns. Oh, life.

IUI 1 - Fail

Yeah sad.

Now I feel composed enough to write about what happened after my first IUI. Every TTC couples were given hope in every stage of assisted reproduction. Hubby and I were no different. After the IUI, I was careful not to move in haste. As much as possible, I stayed at home and avoided going out. I relaxed my mind and hoped that we would reach the date when I would have a pregnancy test. As always, we had high hopes that the IUI would be successful. It was not. It was devastating.

When my period came, I cried. I lost confidence in my capacity to become a parent. I was depressed. I cried whenever I was alone in the room. I lost hope. This infertility placed a strain in my relationship with Hubby.

Whenever I felt sad, I prayed. I wanted to surrender my suffering to the Lord. I asked for acceptance and strength to move on. I have read stories of other women who experienced way more hearthaches than me and it gave me solace.

UP Los Baños Flower and Garden Show

We try to attend the annual garden show at UPLB. There are lots of plants and flowers displayed and for sale. Different plant and garden shops come together in this event. If you love gardening or making your surroundings beautiful, you've got to visit UPLB for the show.

Here are the pictures I've captured during our visit:

Thank you TTC friends!

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Trying to conceive can be an exciting, stressful, and lonesome journey. Sometimes, I feel I'm alone dealing with infertility. Don't get me wrong. My Hubby is always there for me, encouraging me, and telling me to be positive but sometimes, I need some girl friend who experiences or had experienced what I'm experiencing right now.

I'm thankful for you readers, commenters, and those TTC women who spared time to write me. Knowing that there are other women out there who are also in this journey make it not so lonesome anymore. Mwah!

Career can Wait

I've resigned from my company where I've been employed for six years. I was contemplating about a sabbatical for a few months and now, I finally went out of my comfort zone.

I'm lucky and very thankful that I have the choice to do so. Not all employees, especially those who are trying to get pregnant, have the choice or opportunity to leave the security of employment for a chance to create a family of their own.

Hubby and I are now staying in the province. We enjoy breathing the fresh and cool air and seeing more greens than gray. We now go to the grocery and wet market to buy healthy and nutritious food on a daily basis. Traffic jam is non existent (praise the Lord!) and stress levels are lessened.

Hopefully, God-willing, this change of environment will do us some good and help us in getting pregnant.