Increase our Faith!

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Whenever I have difficulty falling asleep at night, I think that it's God telling me, "Let's talk." Last night was one of those nights.

My eyes were already drooping, wanting that bliss called sleep, but, try hard as I may, I couldn't get to sleep! My mind was wide awake, wandering, thinking of various things and ideas. Finally, I started a conversation with God.


I was contemplating on where I am with my life. What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? What would make me excited with life? What goals should I accomplish to be fulfilled? What do I need to do to be happy? I guess, I was having a lot of time in my hands right now so I could splurge in a little bit of self-evaluation.

In my heart, my purpose in life is to be a mother, a nurturer. Since I got married, I believed that being a mother would make me whole, complete. Having a baby would be the answer to my restlessness in life. You know, some people say being an entrepreneur is their passion, entering into a vocation is their calling, well, mine is being a mother. I would love to be a businesswoman too, but starting my own family is my priority. I even left a good paying job to prepare for motherhood.

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Four years after leaving the corporate jungle and all the treatments I've undergone, I'm still without child. It made me think last night if having a child was truly my calling. 

I asked God if motherhood was for me for I feel that it's very far from our horizon. I don't see the odds are in my favor (yeah, The Hunger Games!) and I just really felt drained from waiting and waiting and waiting and never seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. 

Our plans were always put in the backburner thinking we must consider the event should we ever be able have a baby. Starting a business? Later after the baby since it would be difficult to focus on the business if we have a baby on the way. Painting the bedroom? Not now since paint fumes are harmful to a pregnant woman. Travelling? We should just save the money for treatments. And the list goes on and on.

I felt that I'm suspending my life just in case a baby comes in our life. I asked God to show me the way to go. I don't want to waste His gifts to me because I'm constantly waiting for a baby. I don't want to spend my days without goals, without a purpose.

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And, in today's Mass, I heard God's answer.

The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” - Luke 17:5

During the homily, our parish priest said, "May mga mag-asawa na maraming taon na humihiling na magka-anak. Hingin ninyo sa Diyos na dagdagan ang inyong pananampalataya."

I was floored! Through our priest, God told me to not give up on my dreams of having my own family. He will deliver the best version of His answer to my prayer at His perfect time. I know that He will not fail me.

For my fellow TTC couples, let's keep the faith. Even if we feel that the tide is against us. Even if we feel we can't go forward anymore. Even if we feel tired. Let us remember that God is faithful then, now and in the future.

Have a blessed Sunday!